to whom it may concern
by theeflowerchild
Summary: And though Sasuke will vehemently deny that acquiring a pen pal was a good idea or fun in the slightest, his English class wouldn't have been nearly as interesting if it weren't for the brilliant girl with the small hands and huge attitude taking an unaesthetic interest in his boring little world via a few, cruel emails.


**to whom it may concern**

theeflowerchild

part one

* * *

**from: **USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:** _No subject._

Pen-Pal,

I find this "pen-pal" situation to be utterly stupid and I've yet to see how this is even remotely relevant to English class. We are far too old to be mailing letters to strangers when we should be studying for state tests or writing college essays or doing at least something remotely productive, but no. We are not doing something even remotely productive. I am sitting here in a class I already _despise_ writing to some stranger in the middle of nowhere and I'm expected to pour my god-damn heart out to you, or something along the lines of that.

It is none of your business what my name is, how old I am, who my family is, what I want to be when I grow up, where I want to go to school, or anything else along those lines, nor do I care who the hell you are, what you want to be when you grow up, or anything having to do with that, and honestly, I'm sure you probably care just as much as I do about this assignment. I'm sure you couldn't give two shits about what color my hair is and how many pets I have just like I don't give a shit about the name of your dog and what your parents do for a living.

Bye.

* * *

**from: **HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _Hello to you, too._

Dearest Pen-Pal,

Well, you are just a pocket full of sunshine, aren't you? I bet your room is covered in rainbows, teddy-bears, and unicorn vomit—though you wouldn't tell me anyway, because _you just could not give two shits_ _if you freaking tried_. I'm glad our teachers gave us the freedom to write whatever we want and allow us to become really close to our pen-pals, so I can tell you—as a _friend—_to either remove that stick that's been royally shoved up your ass or you can kindly fuck off.

Thanks for the great email,

Sakura

(That's my name, if you couldn't figure it out. _See how easy it is to be friendly?_ Now, it is only common-courtesy that you return the favor by giving me _your_ name, cocky bastard.)

(Though, don't worry, I won't be completely heart-broken if you decide not to give it out.)

(And _then_ you can **fuck off.**)

* * *

**from: **USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:** _RE: Hello to you, too._

Sakura,

You catch on quickly, don't you? I'd say you're a smart one, but odds are, you're not. I can actually very safely assume you're _quite_ the opposite, if anything. I'm surprised you have the mental capacity to spell, but then again, there's spellcheck.

I'll "remove the stick that's royally shoved up my ass" when you _kindly_ generate a few brain cells, but seeing as that's physically impossible and, well, _generally_ impossible for someone at your intellectual stature, this stick will be comfortably aligning my posture for the rest of my life.

You're so very welcome,

Sasuke

(Perhaps I don't like you, but my courtesies are far from nonexistent and I didn't grow up in a _barn._)

(Your name is stupid.)

* * *

**from:** HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _And creative with our subjects, aren't we?_

Sasuke,

There are many ways I could stand up for myself regarding my intelligence and your lack of, but you're a waste of my time and it's an argument you're _bound_ to lose—and I hate to just take another thing from your already lacking life, let alone it be the loss of a silly little argument about my gargantuan brain, featuring the horrible comeback-styling's of _Sasuke_. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have no friends and a terrible personality, to boot; I wouldn't even want to talk to myself if I were you.

I'm sure you have fabulous posture with such a long stick peaking at your ass and running all the way through your back and into your chest cavity, stunting the blood flow and oxygen to your brain. I'll pray for you.

Praise be,

Sakura

(You could have fooled me.)

(I'll have you know my name represents all things floral and spring and pretty while your name represents war. Congratulations.)

* * *

**from:** USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:**_ Just call me Lewis Carroll._

Sakura,

Some large words for such a small-brained specimen; are you sure you can handle the consequences of talking big? If I have a terrible personality, _your_ personality must be Dante's ninth level of hell. If you must assume people generally do not associate themselves with me, I must assume people run like angels from demons whenever you're within a foot of them.

And such lovely posture to look down upon you with!

And by pray I assume you mean curse,

Sasuke

(And all things obnoxious, of course; it's only fitting your namesake be annoying blossoms that taint the grass and get stuck in your hair and leave an over-powering scent when you've been within a few yards of them.)

* * *

**from:** HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _If you're Lewis Carroll, then I must be freaking Dr. Seuss._

Sasuke,

If that's what you think of me and my _stunning_ personality, I'm just going to be the bigger person here and forget the past few emails between us. Obviously that stick is permanently super-glued to your anal cavity and needs a little bit of a solvent.

I know what you're thinking: this is impossible! A lovely, sweet, caring human being wants to… wants to have a conversation with _me!?_ Blasphemy! This must be a trick! But don't worry, Sasuke, demons—ahem, _I_ do not lie; out of the goodness of my _large heart_, only to match my giant brain, I'm going to forget the harsh words we've exchanged in the past, your terrible comebacks that you probably pined over for hours before responding to me and your preconceived notions toward myself.

So please hold the begging and pleading for another day, because I've decided to come through and pick at the little icicle you call a heart and be _your friend_. Or something.

You're welcome,

Sakura

(Spring is beautiful, eternal and ever-growing. War is harsh, hellish and ending, like your personality!)

(Just kidding, I'm trying to be nice. I'm sure your personality isn't… the ninth level of hell.)

(Get it?)

* * *

**from:** USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:** _He's not nearly as obnoxious as you_.

Sakura,

Simply because you state you're going to be the "bigger person" and begin acting civil toward me does not erase our past conversation or make me want to be friends with you.

I'll hold my begging and pleading as well as excitement and joy for another day, believe me.

I didn't thank you,

Sasuke

(I get it.)

* * *

**from:** HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _Oh stop it, you! You're making me blush!_

Sasuke,

You started it, you know, with that incredibly unpleasant email. I went into this project extremely excited to meet someone new and possibly make a new friend, but you turned into be far from that. What did you expect me to do? Kiss your feet right off the bat?

Obviously you're going to be a hard nut to crack, but if there's anything I'm good at, it's cracking some skulls—or, uh, nuts, for that matter, but that's another conversation for another day.

Isn't there _anything_ you want to know about me? At all? Like, even where I go to _school?_ Or perhaps my hair color? _Or how old I am?_ Anything at _all?_ You're not even a _little_ curious?

You will one day,

Sakura Haruno

(See! That's my last name!)

* * *

**from:** USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:** _I've always been a heart-breaker._

Sakura,

You're _excited_ for this stupid project? I simply find it unnecessary; if I wanted to meet somebody outside of my reach, I would've gone out of my way already. I have the friends that I have and that's enough, if not too much. This is an English class, for God's sake; last time I checked, I should be reading Hamlet right about now, not literally taming the shrew.

Too much information, thanks.

Sorry, I'm not curious in the slightest, but if it'll make you happy, my last name is Uchiha; it's only fair and courteous that I tell you, I guess.

When hell freezes over,

Sasuke

(Your name literally translates to _springtime cherry blossom;_ your name is annoying. Your entire being is obnoxious to the point that your name _actually annoys me_.)

* * *

**from:** HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _Yeah, you definitely seem like a lady killer. Literally. Haven't I heard your name on the six o' clock news before?_

Sasuke Uchiha,

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to interact with other people; in fact, it's usually smiled upon in society. I'll try to ignore your comment; next thing I know, you'll be running across the bleachers at my school singing _You're Just Too Good to be True_ and I could name more than ten things I hate about you, but I digress.

That school which is in _Konoha_. I go to Leaf Academy, the private one with the dorky green uniforms and the bat-shit crazy Headmistress; ringing any bells? We have the killer football team that I don't really tune into, but I guess that's what we're famous for. Where do you go to school?

_That's not what I meant by cracking nuts_. Get your head out of the damn gutter, Uchiha.

That sentence is a contradiction within itself, but thanks for letting me in on the little secret that is _your last name_. I feel accomplished, to say the least.

You mean my personality? Badum-tss,

Sakura

(Wow, I've reached a whole new level of annoying. Where's my trophy?)

* * *

**from:** USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:** _Hilarious._

Do you think by making jokes out of all the cruel things I say to you, in turn, I'll feel guilty and apologize? Because that's not going to happen, sorry.

You make Julia Stiles look like a cake walk, among other things. And just because society approves of something doesn't make it a good thing; Germany approved of the Nazis and the holocaust, at the time, and we can all see how that didn't go well. Your dreams are coming to a screeching halt in the fact that I don't sing. Sorry to burst your bubble.

I never said I was thinking anything sexual; maybe you should remove your head from the aforementioned gutter, Haruno.

I know what Leaf Academy is and I don't really care for football; all that matters is your soccer team is sub-par compared to mine. I guess you must be considerably smart to attend Leaf, but that still doesn't mean you do not lack in the common-sense department—or the everything-else department. I attend School of Sound in Oto, if you must know. Before you ask, I play the violin, but I really did it for the soccer.

_You're_ welcome,

Sasuke

* * *

**from:** HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _I know, contain yourself. Your sides must be aching._

It slipped my mind you're a little lacking in the empathy department, my bad. I simply forgot that your soul must still be dwelling down in Lucifer's cage; it's an honest mistake.

Okay, are you _genuinely_ comparing the extermination of millions of people and the fear instilled into millions of German people to worship a dictatorship run by one of the most prejudice people to ever walk the planet to _human interaction?_ Really? I can't tell if that's disturbing or pathetic; probably both.

Oh darn, my girlish fantasies of Sasuke Uchiha singing to me across a football field will never come true! I guess I'll have to get back to mother and tell her to phone the gentlemen callers and find me a good husband! My heart will never be truly mended! I'll now spend all eternity cleaning my menagerie and whispering sweet nothings into the fragile, glass ears of my only friends!

It was an honest mistake.

Wow, School of Sound? That's incredible, you must be a really great musician. The violin is an incredibly hard instrument to play _well_. I played the viola once, in fourth grade, and it was horrible and the fact that the bow was made of horse hair really freaked me out—because, like, horses are _huge_ and really scary, don't you think? Their eyes are always so distant, too. What are you thinking, horse? _I guess we'll never know_.

So you love soccer? My brother plays soccer, but like you said, our team isn't really that great. How long have you been playing soccer for? I mean, for you to, as far as I understand, master an instrument just to get into one of the most prestigious music schools in the country for the _soccer team_, you must really care about soccer.

XO and all that,

Sakura

* * *

**from:** USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:** _I think I'll be fine._

Just because my heart doesn't _ache_ for your sob story of a life doesn't mean I don't have a soul. It means I have standards.

Well if you take it out of context _that_ way, then yes, it sounds a little pathetic, but I was simply using a historical example to show that society is not always right… But your point is completely valid. Congrats, you've finally made a considerable jibe.

Sorry to break your heart, Tennessee Williams.

That's a great story, I'm sure your grandchildren will love it. The part about the horses was chilling.

I've been playing violin since my freshman year of High School; I used to go to Oto Public High School, but the soccer team wasn't all that great, so I picked up an instrument and the violin came naturally. My mother plays it, among other string instruments. I joined Sound in eleventh grade and I've been there since.

You know when something just clicks? It just makes sense to you and there's no reason why? Every little strategy, all the time and effort you put into it, all the rash decisions, studying or whatever else you dedicate toward it doesn't seem pointless? Your brain craves it and your body aches when it's not doing that thing? That one stupid, special thing? That's soccer. It's always been soccer. I have a feeling it might always be soccer.

I've been playing for fourteen years.

Is it a safe assumption to say that you're not the athletic type?

Bite me,

Sasuke

* * *

**from:** HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _Should I call an ambulance? Are you sure you're going to make it?_

There's nothing wrong with feeling for someone else, Sasuke. You might want to consider looking into a little disease known as _psychopathy._

Wow, I've gotten Sasuke Uchiha's acknowledgement! Now I can die happy! I can leave my menagerie in peace! Mother will be so proud!

Okay, don't even try it, horses are _freaky_. Their eyes are _huge_ and it seems like they never really register anything, but they know exactly what's going on! Like they're looking into your eyes, but not looking at you at all, at the same time! That's not natural! And, I mean, their size is _unholy_. Nothing should be that big! If I was in a monster truck and there was a horse-drawn carriage coming straight for me, I wouldn't be surprised if the carriage won. Ugh, I'm getting the chills simply thinking about it.

You mastered the violin in _two years?_ Hell, that's _brilliant_. I'm sure musicality is in the blood, I guess. You're somewhat of a virtuoso? I'm actually impressed. I don't care if you bleed black, I'd love to hear you play some time.

Wow, that was really deep, Sasuke. This might sound weird, but for me, it's the human body. Don't go making any stupid jokes. The body _fascinates_ me, beyond what I'd like to admit. From the heart, to the brain, to the body's reactions to stimuli and bodily processes, functions, you name it. The body is just so _beautiful_; what it creates, destroys, endures, encounters and dishes out—and that includes anything. The body is so _powerful_. It's all things beautiful.

Alright, I'll give you that one. I would just rather read a book than run a lap, sorry.

LOVE ALWAYS,

Sakura

* * *

**from:** USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:** _I think I'll be fine, really_.

I am not a _psychopath, _thank you. I feel, contrary to popular belief, and relate. You can eat me.

Please, contain yourself. Yes, put down the menagerie—this is what most people wait for their entire life, an acknowledgment from such a sublime being, but you must refrain from stopping your entire life just because you finally did something write in my eyes. I know, your pulse is fast and you're crying tears of relief, but don't do anything rash!

You're incredibly childish, did you know that?

Well, I'd invite you to the next concert over here, but do you think you're mature enough to simply sit still and listen? It's not this Wednesday, but the next. Even so, the school is rather far from yours, but you can come, if you want. I don't really care.

I try. The human body, really? That's… interesting, I guess, albeit very strange. Do you want to be a scientist, then? Or a doctor? Don't you need compassion or common sense for that?

I get antsy when I have to sit still for too long. It drives me crazy.

You're annoying,

Sasuke

* * *

**from:** HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _I just wouldn't want anything to happen to you, Sasuke!_

I'd make a witty remark, but I'm afraid you might _actually_ eat me. It isn't a far stretch to assume a psychopath may also be a cannibal, right?

Tell me; is it hard to carry an ego that heavy with you around all the time?

It's one of my most endearing qualities, of course.

But seriously, fuck horses.

UM, I can sit still, _thanks_. I'm actually fairly _respectful_, unlike _somebody_ I know. You shouldn't just assume everybody else is rude just because you are! I could take the train in, I guess. It would be fairly cool to see a concert like that, but aren't the tickets like, really expensive? As much as I'd love to, I can't really swing fifty bucks right now.

I want to be a doctor. I'll be attending Princeton in the spring for pre-med. Dick.

I'm kind-of the same way. I just love long car rides. A lot. Anything moving, like trains and stuff, over a long distance really calms me down. My mom used to get me to fall asleep by driving around our cul de sac when I was being a cranky baby and it just stuck with me for eighteen years.

I get that a lot,

Sakura

* * *

**from:** USpenpal004  
**to:** HSpenpal004  
**subject:** _Naturally_.

I have higher standards, cannibal or not; like I'd ever consume anything that you've even touched.

It helps that I'm incredibly athletic.

Childish does not automatically equate to _cute,_ FYI. I can't seem to find an endearing bone in your body, sorry.

You could have fooled me! I'll trust you can sit down and shut up, then; not that I'd even want to meet you if you came, but I'll assume if anybody leaves early or has a seizure, it's you. I can just leave two tickets under your name, it's that simple; I get a few free tickets seeing as I participate in the concert, of course. If you take the train in, don't go by yourself. It can be really dangerous.

That's… actually, really impressive. Congratulations.

I can only imagine how hard it must've been to get you to shut up.

I wonder why,

Sasuke

* * *

**from:** HSpenpal004  
**to:** USpenpal004  
**subject:** _Always the caring type, I am._

I think it's still rather disturbing that you acknowledged the comment in any way, shape or form. I'm going to have to assume you consume human meat now. Awesome.

And so modest!

I dunno, man, I have really tiny hand-bones; some people find that _adorable_.

I DO NOT HAVE _SEIZURES_. Thank you, really, I appreciate it. I'll definitely be attending, but don't worry, you won't have to go through the torture of meeting me. And really? As if you care? Plus, don't underestimate me! I'm perfectly capable of taking a train all by myself! Asshole.

Thanks, I guess. Uh.

Almost as painful as what you must have put your parents through when they had to make the decision as to whether or not get that stick surgically removed from your ass.

LOVE ALWAYS,

Sakura

* * *

**This is part one. Deciding if it's gonna be two or three parts. Please review, I really appreciate it! They definitely give me a lot more energy to update! Thanks a bunch, people! It helps!**

**Peace.**


End file.
